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This page serves generally no purpose. 
It's just me being a weirdo.
Horace the Horse by Porch Pals
My friend and I were playing guitar on his porch when the neighborhood kids descended upon us demanding we "play something that slaps.” And thus, Porch Pals was born.


We're a wholesome folk duo that
kids can enjoy without driving their parents mad.
Porch Pals cover.png
Horace the HorsePorch Pals
00:00 / 03:14

lil' 401k


Fictional backstory: lil' 401k is a rapper from the mean streets of Luxembourg that spits fire about the intricacies of financial responsibility.

Non-fictional backstory: lil' 401k is just some dude in New York that had too much free time in 2020. He is unable to place Luxembourg on a map.

Click the highlighted lyrics for annotations.

Keepin' It Prudential 

lil' 401k

00:00 / 01:54

Produced by Donny Fraunhofer


My name is Lil 401k and y’all surely wanna know, 

I make good-ass decisions when my hands touch the dough,

I got Roth-IRAs that’ll make my 60s glow

Whatchu got—you got cars? 

I got assets that grow.


My credit score—impeccable 

Home made meals—delectable

Purchases I make—respectable 

Late balances—that’s untenable.


Keep your credit cards away from me

'Cause I will never go on spending sprees,

At the mall I am an absentee,

Black Friday’s just another Friday to me. 


My low credit utilization causes bankers frustration,

Don’t fall prey to fixation, spending money on sensation, 

My savings deserve ovation,

Your savings they need salvation, 

Talking straight condemnation, 

You need long-ass consultation, 

I’m the Board of Education,

Spreading wealth amongst the nation,

With some basic education,

We can end this damn tarnation.


Was born Maximilian, but I’m tryna rack a billion,

Was born Maximilian, but I’m tryna rack a billion,

Was born Maximilian, but I’m tryna rack a billion,

Was born Maximilian, but I’m tryna rack a billion, 

(that’s nine zeros, ya’ll).


Compound interest at a quarterly rate,

You ain’t heard? Shit’s fire, it’ll make your head shake, 

Go and take a lump sum, throw that bish in a bank,

Give it five years and I’ll be waiting to be thanked.


Money market accounts, CDs, whateva,

If it’s high interest paying you making the chedda,

Interest on interest, the name of the game,

So good it feels faker than aspartame,

The principal sum stays exactly the same,

But your balance gets fat, surely you will exclaim, 

“this shit is such fire, has this been forever?” 

Yep, back when the Romans were selling their leather.


I hope you take this and do with what you please,

I not gonna rap here on a bent knee, 

But if your employer match 401k,

Max that shit out, that’s all I will say.

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